Sign Your Name Across My Heart (in removable ink please)

When I was younger I was just a little bit crazy – I wore knee-high boots, corsets and a lot of black clothing. I also had bright pink hair and over 20 piercings.

 All those years ago when I was going crazy and having random pieces of metal jabbed through my body, I also decided to get tattoos because albeit permanent, the designs I chose I considered to the beautiful and “me” and I was never going to ever ever ever change my mind or change who I was as a person!

And then of course I grew up.

Gone was the pink hair.

Gone were the piercings.

Gone were the tattoos….

  

Oh wait, no they’re not.

  

Because they’re fucking permanent.

Of course, you can use lasers to have your tattoos removed, but do you know how painful that is? On a scale of 1-10, laser tattoo removal is HOLY FUCKING SHIT GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!

  

Laser hair removal? Painless.

Laser freckle removal? Painless.

Laser tattoo removal? Worse than getting the tattoo in the first place. In fact, it is the only pain Wine can’t fix. That is how fucking painful it is.

  

In Brisbane there is a huge fashion trend of young boys and girls getting full sleeve tattoos in bright gaudy colours. It's everywhere, no matter who you look at under the age of 26 they're covered with ink and I can't help but think that in the not too distant future they will be seriously reconsidering their life decisions, and discovering what that Kenji on their forearm really means.

And as they reconsider what they’ve done to their bodies, I shall laugh maniacally at the future generation of senior citizens who look like failed circus clowns.

  

Thank you in advance young people, thank you.

PSA: Anxiety

For me, the only downside to Tourette’s (other than you know, twitching uncontrollably like a malfunctioning clockwork chicken) is the psychological aspect to it, most notably Anxiety*.

 Anxiety is a special form of hell specially formulated by the Gods as a punishment for some unknown previous life where we were obviously major arseholes to the rest of the world.

  

 It is that gut wrenching feeling that sets every single atom in your body into party mode where they binge on far too much tequila, get wasted, and fuck your shit up.

I should mention that Tequila Warheads are the best way to consume Tequila.

 Anxiety means that sleep is a precious commodity as insomnia digs its razor sharp claws into your heart and into your mind. Making any sort of decision becomes impossible as uncertainty, hesitation, questions propagate and build and grow within your mind until the thought of even taking a breath is suddenly questionable and as your chest tightens and breathing becomes even harder whilst tears struggle, fight, yearn to break free and course generously down your cheeks ruining your perfectly applied makeup and all you can do is stare at a blank Word document and wonder “what the hell am I supposed to write?”

  

And the worst thing about Anxiety is the misunderstanding attached to it. When someone asks me what’s wrong and I respond by saying “Anxiety” they always ask “Oh, what’s brought that on?”

Nothing.

Nothing has brought it on.

Nothing other than the fact I have a chemical imbalance in my brain due to having a neuropsychiatric disorder, otherwise known as Tourette Syndrome, which is causing my entire emotional stability to teeter too and fro. There is nothing “bringing it on.” It simply exists.

If someone has anxiety the correct thing is not to ask “Oh, what’s brought that on?” but  “Oh, would you prefer whisky or wine?”

And no matter how bad I am feeling, no matter how close to the verge of tears and frustration I may be - My answer will always be Wine**.

 

Basically, the "why" of chemical anxiety is irrelevant and frustrating. Any question asked of someone suffering from any form of anxiety is irrelevant and will only frustrate the person - In fact, don't even ask if we want Whiskey or Wine, just be a gem and get it for us.

Anxiety: Act don't Ask.

And thus concludes (albeit absuptly) todays PSA.

 * For the sake of clarity, I also have depression, OCD, ADD and aggression issues as do most people with Tourette’s, however Anxiety is the only one I suffer from.

** Funnily enough, when I was diagnosed with Tourettes and the specialist prescribing me this that and the other in order to “help” me quickly realised that none of the drugs worked. As such, he prescribed me alcohol instead. He said that given we know that it works to resolve both my anxiety and insomnia then better the devil you know than another adverse reaction.

Time to Re-Think Your Life Decisions.

Based on a true story.... Somewhat.

Ah, Laziness.

I could write a blog post for you today.

I should write a blog post for you today.

I would write a blog post for you today.

But I’m too tired and lazy and so you get this instead: 

All the Single Ladies - Put Your Hands up!

Firstly, I hate that song and the accompanying video – it looks like a glorified homage to Tourettes.

Secondly, I am far too tired to make this post in any way humorous.

Thirdly, today I wish to talk to you about the Single Ladies Diet.

Thousands of single women around the world are all on the SLD without even realising, and I find myself constantly having to explain this diet to both males and Non-Single Ladies. The premise is quite simple. It is a balanced diet featuring healthy amounts of protein and vitamin rich foods and is perfectly designed for the Single Lady working in a corporate environment.

Prior to my 3 years relationship I was on this diet for about 7 years and I was always able to maintain a healthy trim figure, and I am once again on this diet and my figure is shrinking to its former Single Lady physique.

Breakfast

 

Breakfast is the first and most important meal of the day. That’s why on the SLD we consume the most calories in that first meal. It consists of a Venti, Non-Fat, Lactose Free, Soy Free, Gluten Free, Foam Free, 6 Pump, Extra Hot, Chai Tea Latte ordered from the hot Barista in that quaint coffee shop around the corner from the office.

  

Lunch

 

Lunch is quite simple on the SLD – you are free to consume whatever you want on the proviso there are no carbs. At all. Unless its sushi on a Friday because hey, you have to splash out sometimes. Otherwise, no carbs. See? Simple. This, of course means that lunch consists mainly of salad or soup.

  

Dinner

 

After a long day in the office it’s understandable that a Single Lady wouldn’t want to take even the smallest step into the kitchen. Unfortunately, she has to if only to pour herself a glass of wine. You see, on the SLD dinner is wine, and wine is dinner. No more than two glasses though, (we’re Single Ladies, not Alcoholics) as adults need at least two servings of fruit per day and wine is simply fermented grape juice. Wine is fruit, and fruit is wine.

  

Once per Week

Once a week you are allowed the Naughty Day and are allowed to indulge (not binge) in carbohydrates – this means you are allowed to eat a bowl of pasta, or a pizza, guilt free. This Naughty Day is the bump day needed to rejig your metabolism so it remembers how to function properly. Also, it gives the Single Lady a “free pass” on those nights she has a Date or is visiting other Single Ladies.

There you have it Non-Single Ladies, Single Ladies, and Gentlemen – The Single Ladies Diet finally explained.